I’m incredibly slowly working this out.

The actual act of blogging will increase in due time, maybe I should buy a laptop. Uh oh, this is sounding like an expensive new hobby. Watch out! Oh but think, a trip to the river on my wonderful new bike with my wonderful new laptop writing about the beautiful things I see and the people that wander through my thoughts and memories.

Birthday in SIX days. Someone?

I must have written this a year or so ago when I started this account and forgotten about it over time, what with all the little things life throws our way. The dialogue is crappy, but its my first attempt of having actual characters that speak with one another. So give it a chance. xxx Oh and forget the names, Buck? It’s cool okay!

“Hey Buck, pass me another beer will you? It’s the last and then I’m heading up. I swear it this time, I’ve gotta get started on this article and you know I can’t do that without a couple to get me good and ready.” I passed along a look, trying for some sympathy, knowing I’d get it.
“You’re owing on your tab you know, I’m not going to keep this shit up Nick. I’m not fucking made of money.” Buck passed the beer along, begrudgingly, but he had a soft spot for the kid, reminded him a bit of himself back when he still had dreams. Now all there was, was this bar that smelt of stale beer and fresh sweat and each night that brought in the same shit-for-brains crowd. Except the kid, he might just find his way out.

Nick accepted the drink and took a hearty swig with every intention of taking it upstairs to his darkened room, where the heating seemed to be stuck on permanently and the plumbing sounded like it had finally given up on choking back other peoples shit. “Might aswell stick around for the show Nicky.” Nick raised his head about to ask Buck what the hell he was talking about when he saw her. She stood there beneath the shadowy light of the stage’s one hard at work lightbulb, with her candy floss lips that spoke of honey and love, pushing her sweetened words deep into the dark of their night. She’d closed her eyes to the world, taken a deep breath and fallen. Her lips parted to breathe the bluesy tune into the smoky room, her arms rising to take the microphone in her hands, the shadows playing over her face.

Her name was Lily, Lily Heart and she was beaten from the inside out. Had been since the day she was born. It was just a stop over she said, Just a place to rest my feet. She’d lie there in the heat, her dark hair falling in her face each time the fan turned its cycle, her bare feet resting on the headboard. I fell in love with his smile she said, you know how it is. The bruises blossomed like flowers in spring, painting her skin in shades of black and purple. I’d watch as she’d push down hard on each painful memory trying to find a way to force it all inside. Take a breath she said and watch the light spring from the darkness.

I was just 22 that summer I met Lily, by the end of it I’d be dizzy with the scent of her, the touch and feel of her, her laugh that broke the darkness and filled it with light. That summer seemed to move in sticky slow motion, as if the heat had slowed down every movement, each breath of air delayed a moment or two in time.

She walked down the steps of the stage, delicately maneuvering around the prying fingers of the men at the bar until she was standing beside me, she smelt as sweet as she looked. “A water thanks Buck, how long do you want me around for tonight?” Buck replied with a shrug “A few more songs I guess, no one seems to be listening and it’s as quiet as death in here tonight.” Nick stole a glance at her, her arms were slim and her blouse was unbuttoned to show the delicate rise of her youthful breasts, a damp sweat clinging to her skin. She took a sip of water. “It’s hot as hell in here, you’ve gotta start thinking about investing in an airconditioner Buck. Gotta spend money to make money!” Buck raised his eyebrows at her in a manner that had her laughing and scooting back for the stage, the glass of water sat at my elbow, drops of condensation racing each other to the growing pool at the bottom of the glass.

 I tore my eyes away from her to glance towards Buck behind the bar, ”Buck, where the fuck have you been hiding her?” Buck narrowed his eyes and shook his head, “Mate, she’s been singing here every wednesday night for the last month, where the fuck have you been?”.
Where the fuck had I been for that month, at the end of every bottle I could find back then. Living is what I called it and I’d done alot of living. I began to think of all the times I might have passed her, not knowing, not really seeing her and now there she was bright as day despite the dark bar, lighting up the room with her grace.

That summer brought me alot of things, but Lily took the cake. We were both falling, that curb turned into a cliff before our very eyes. She’d tell me stories of her childhood, of her plans to travel the world and I’d watch her, a cigarette placed delicately between her long fingers, lazily exhaling smoke into the suffocating air of the dark room. And I came to the conclusion that she didn’t have a chance in hell. She was beautiful, with the sort of angelic grace that held her above you, a little too thin and her eyes a little too bright for the things she’d known and underneath it all she had a wit that kept me running back for more.

She stepped back off the stage, the last song still hanging languidly in the air and made her way towards Buck, thinking of her pay check and the bus back home. She saw him shift towards her looking over his shoulder and smiled a little at the acknowledgement, she was used to the attention. His hair had fallen over his forehead, limp and damp with the heat of the room. His eyes were dark and shadowed, he looked young, careless in that way that only the young can be. “You’ve got quite a voice.” His mouth turned up at the corner, a lazy smile playing on his lips. She’d later regret the fact that those lips, that smile put a hitch in her step, caught her breath. She looked at him sideways, “Yeah, I really knocked them dead.” He took a look around, there were two men left sitting at the opposite end of the bar, each staring blankly into the bottom of their drink, seeming completely oblivious to the fact that she had finished, let alone began. The silence was deafening.

He laughed, breaking the silence. “Let me buy you a drink, to show my appreciation.” She glanced at her watch, the bus wouldn’t arrive for another 45 minutes and she was enjoying his casual grace, the way the air hung still between them. “Okay, I’ll take a beer then.” She smiled at him, confident with the situation. “Buck! A beer for the lady if you will.” Buck shook his head as he reached for the beer, popping the cap with a swiftness that spoke of years of experience, a small smile catching at the corners of his lips as he placed the bottle on the bar. “You’ll fucking ruin me, kid.” He mumbled as he walked away to clear away the few empty glasses on the otherwise bare tables. Nick shrugged, “He’s a softy, I’m Nick by the way.” He extended his bottle towards her, clinking the necks in a celebratory fashion. “To Buck and his shithole of a bar.” She laughed, “Lily, Lily Heart.”

In the beginning it existed as an extra half hour of waking, of being safe between crisp cool sheets with sweet new adventures to will me to sleep. Bleary eyed and peaceful. Brand new images swiftly forming dreams to take me away.

Now, it completes me.

With each word following another, creating a seamless sentence to move me. To empower me. To teach me. To give me something to believe in. I believe in that, completely. And with each word, sentence, paragraph, page and book that I have devoured I feel more myself. I can breathe steady.

And in knowing that I write.
To stand and to reach out with something beautiful. To create something all of your own. To let others know you and in knowing you embrace you. And so with each word, sentence, paragraph and sometimes page that I pull forward to exist beyond me. I can feel more myself. I can breathe steady.

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